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Jul. 26th, 2010

Friends Only

From now on I will be making this journal private, only available to friends.

Jul. 25th, 2010

(no subject)

A black cat scared the hell out of me. I was standing by the garden unaware a black cat staring at me with those piercing yellow eyes. When you are used to things not being there it can shock you. I kept staring back at the cat and the cat at me. It must have went on for at least 5 minutes. I looked away every now and then but the cat was intent on the staring competition. Cats usually leave, this cat is special, it sat there rigid on the grass. I brought a bowl of water in case it got thirsty. The moment I put the bowl out the cat jumped up and ran as quick as possible.

Jul. 9th, 2010

been quite some time

I'm so sorry for not having updated and keeping up with your journals. I will try to catch up with as much as I can.

The past few weeks has been quick, I find myself constantly doing something to pass the time to shove those thoughts away. At night time when it's all silent I start thinking again. That's when the negative thoughts comes in to haunt me-again. I'm going to start college this september which is very soon.
That frightening reality hits closer every day. A few months back I was cool about it, that is, until now.

Something interesting happened this week for me, I met a friendly customer at the shop. I got a very good and yet weird vibe from him. You know the look when you meet a long lost friend. Now I do sound strange. I don't know how else to say it except of sounding like those mysterious stories.

I'm starting to understand more of my purpose at the shop. When I first started I was only focusing more on anxiety rather than my surroundings. This experience has enabled me to view things from a different perspective, being the shop assistant than the customer. You meet a lot of different kinds of people, different personalities are what shows a lot, or less. With anxiety I always believed the things I do are wrong or there are a specific way of doing/asking for things, but there are none, we are all individuals who express ourselves differently. I meet customers who are quiet, once there was a guy who shook when he was handing the money over; then there are those who likes to have a full conversation or just chit chat; and you sometimes get the ones who are impatient or blatantly rude.

That's a fact  I need to squeeze into my head: there's is no right or wrong!

Hope you all are doing well!

May. 27th, 2010

(no subject)

My skin is relieved after a shower last night, drawing nice breeze across the country (south more like?) making it all cool and non irritating.

At voluntary work on tuesday, the strangest and most awkward thing happened. The two new people were just staring at me! I had to walk through the shop floor in total scrutiny. They didn't turn away, smile or make any form of gesture, just staring. I said hi just to make it less uncomfortable, I thought maybe people stare because they want to initiate some kind of conversation. Not them they just stood there unashamedly staring. As a finally approached the staircase I was relieved and thought how impolite that was.

I finally got a new folder to file documents with. I also got a notebook for writing short essays on psychology. I'm trying to learn as much as I can before college starts. I'm reading Psychology: An introduction by Nicky Hayes and Sue Orrell, the book is neatly cut into easy to comprehend sections, filled with practical exercises, essay questions and self assessment questions to further aid learning. After several weeks, I have just come to chapter 3...

May. 22nd, 2010

(no subject)

It was 26 degrees celcius today, going on 27 tomorrow. I'm not complaining, it was hot and I don't think i'm as bothered by it as I thought I would. I have sensitive skin and every summer it becomes irritated. This time i've found a product that manages my itchiness. I'm so glad I was recommended Avene by a consultant. I'm using the skin recovery cream, which leaves my skin cool and soft, dampening the itchy feel.

During the week, I also found a bargain book store. Having spent some time there browsing something out of the ordinary happened, I started talking to the shop assistant. I felt this sudden optimism to speak. It felt awkward to me midway through the short conversation, I left the conversation as soon as I began to feel the fear seeping in. Actually, I can't pinpoint whether it was fear or awkwardness. Anyways I take that having spoken to a total stranger a positive experience.

I spoke to Sara again and something hit me this week. I know why I like her company, she doesn't launch out tonnes of questions at me. She would talk about herself most of the time, not a word has she asked me about myself. I would share my part when I want to. Some people will see her as self-absorbed but the weird thing is I don't mind.

Oh, by the way, I'm 20 this week. For my 20th I had plenty of sushi and been out to enjoy the sun. Nothing extravagant, just the same old: spending time with family, watching tv and going out to challenge myself.

Have a nice weekend!

Apr. 18th, 2010

(no subject)

I finished crochet project: sackboy (from Little big planet). Having finally made something it gives me a sense of achievement. The process of making it caused me a lot of neck pain and stiffness, this made me appreciate handmade things even more.
I will post an image shortly as I don't have my camera at the moment. It doesn't look exactly like it so don't expect too much!

Today was pretty much a calm day, I meditated under the sun. The weather was fantastic. Last year I mentioned I grew lilies, yes, they are coming back this summer! I saw the first shoot on its way. I love gardening, to dig into the soil; watching the seeds/bulbs grow taller and later blossom into deliciously scented flowers, to witness those stages to me are wonderful.

I jogged today after a weeks "break", this morning was rather calm and warm as I started jogging, feeling the warm breeze on me, the feeling was relieving and satisfying, I felt free. The further I jogged the better I felt. Hearing the thuds of my heart beating is exhilarating it's like a mission complete=P I've even increased my mileage! (nothing dramatic, I still can't run that far.)

That's for now, hope you all have a lovely upcoming week

Apr. 13th, 2010

(no subject)

I'm starving! Despite that I just have to post about today. So at the shop, the one I volunteer at, I like any other day blushed, not for anything embarrassing or particular, only having a random conversation with Sara and this man. I'm sure I was already rosy round the cheeks before I spoke to them. Suddenly I said something awkward, like completely out of topic and he said "Oh no we are talking about ____" and noticed me red on the cheeks and said " you are turning red!" I wasn't really embarrassed on being awkward but him pointing my blushing out made me awkward...I don't think he meant it in a bad way.
What surprised me was that I dealt with it much better and didn't panic for a change! I simply shrugged it off, BUT I still have those flashbacks of the scenario going over and over in my head, which is absolutely painful. I should really praise myself. Instead, what i'm doing is thinking about all the possible future events. Putting me off seeing those people ever again. I know I can't hide.

I hate myself for worrying over something that might not happen, worrying about the future day in day out is so exhausting.

Hope I didn't bore everyone.

I have to go and eat now.

Good evening!

EDIT: I think i'm fine now. When something anxiety provoking has happened I usually feel so lost, helpless, and thousand different emotions at once. I twisted my head in a funny way today, got lazy  and didn't want to go up to the bin, think I pinched a nerve, I was in such agonizing pain I could hardly move my arm for a while.

Apr. 5th, 2010

Walking up a steep hill I saw this sign!

Apr. 4th, 2010

Short Update

I'm sorry. I know I haven't been posting lately. I have been stressing over college.
The only thing that's been keeping me sane is my guitar.

I have this song stuck in my head, it's secrets and regrets and will you be there by Pillar. I love it.

I had this dream a few days ago. A dog was facing me looking pretty inncocent but in the dream I was terrified of it, it was barking and I feared I couldn't walk pass it. Thinking how ridiculous I behaved I took my courage and walked toward the dog, and the dog died or shattered into thousand pieces, I can't quite remember.

Tried to be creative the other day and here's the result.

This is my easter bunny! I love chocolate. Happy Easter everyone!

Mar. 24th, 2010

I stumbled in the streets and my toe still hurts=(

I was walking and walking. Suddenly, my right foot hit on an uneven pavement. I tripped before my eyes, no I didn't fall, only halfway. There were tonnes of people around, including the woman I see every single morning. Embarrassing! I couldn've sworn the man in the car right next to me jumped, as I was a few centimetres away from the car's rear view mirror.
I must've looked so ridiculous. Trying to put on a straight face was hard as I couldn't help smiling and cursing. LOL

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